“Hi, Id like a #1, animal style, with a side of Double Standards please.”

objective: via In n Out, order a double cheeseburger, a strawberry shake, and a slice of wisdom concerning issues in monogamy. All for $5.99. Extra ketchup please.


A male/female couple walk up to the register to order their meals…


In n Out Chick: Hi! Welcome to In n Out. How are you?

Male: Good, good. Thanks.

In n Out: What can I get for you two today?

Male: Can I get a #2 please? Animal style.

In n Out: #2 animal style. Got it. And for you?

Female: Id like a #1, animal style, with a side of double standards please.

Male: Oh geez. Really? Really?

In n Out: Ummm. Excuse me? Double standards? Im not sure what you mean.

Female: Oh, what I mean is —

Male: Look. Do we have to do this again? And here? At fucking In n Out? Absolutely intolerable…

In n Out: Im confused.

Female: Okay, so what I mean by Double Standard is this: my boyfriend aka this man right here, aka the only man Ive been with for the last six months, the man who makes me cum, the man who, when we look into each other’s eyes, it’s very profound, verging on a Garden State moment…

In n Out: awww. I want that…

Female: Im sure youll find it some day. Maybe try the Beauty Bar? Anyway, so me and dude are “happy” and “in love”; however, he has this certain rule, which, oddly, is a rule that’s merely following his own “nature”. So for him, he’s only acting in accordance with his “nature”…

Male: Wow. I cant believe you. Im going next door to the KFC/Taco Bell. Later.

Female: Uhhhh…yeah. Tell me how the Nacho Bell Grande is.

In n Out: Guess Ill cancel his order. Anyway, so about his “nature”…

Female: Right. So, apparently, according to his surely scrupulously tested experiments that justify this talk of his particular “nature”, he claims that it’s only in his nature to fuck lots of women. That is, even while in a serious relationship with a stellar woman aka a woman with a great ass, he cannot help but screw other chicks “if the situation arises”.

In n Out: “If the situation arises?” Well, wouldnt he be putting himself in the situation? So he does have a choice…

Female: To screw? or not to screw? Yeah. Well, I think he does consider those options, but the way he sees it is: he’s a “live in the moment” kind of dude. So, if he’s in a situation where he’s hitting it off with some enthralled hardbody, he doesnt want to spoil the fun. They both want each other…”it’s just sex”…and it’s “not a big deal.”

In n Out: Wow. So you put up with him having sex with other women during your relationship?

Female: Well, when he first explained this convenient aspect of his nature, I tried to “be cool” about it. I mean, I get it: sometimes we may be inebriated, hitting it off with a hardbody who “ohmygod, loves that book too” and youre both dtf. It’s something new. People like to fuck, fucking duh.

In n Out: Okay. I mean, if he’s gonna insist on a fixed male nature, I dont see what limits promiscuity to males.

Females: Exactly. So, in my attempt to play the most boring game ever, ie, Playing It Cool, I told him Id put up with his indiscretions…but that Im actually curious myself to see how an “open” relationship would go because Ive never tried it before and I mean, hey, I get to have fun with other dudes too so I may prefer such an arrangement after all…

In n Out: So youre okay with him sleeping with other women as long as you get to sleep with other guys?

Female: Well, I was gonna try to be okay with him sleeping with other women. But the dude says I am not allowed to sleep with anyone else except for him. “It doesnt work that way” he says. In fact, he says that if I do mess around with other guys, he’s gone. No more me-and-him. So while he’s picking up Chick With Big Boobs at the bar, I get to pick up my Mad Men dvds and rewatch season 3.

In n Out: Are you having a laugh? Youve got to be kidding me.

Female: Totally not having a laugh. This is some serious Betty Draper shit.

In n Out: Wait. Have you tried playing him Beyonce’s ‘Single Ladies’? Maybe once he listens to that song, he’ll realize he should, you know, put a ring on it.

Female: Yeah I did try that. He complained about how “inane” the song is and then gushed about how hot Beyonce looks in the music video. Besides. Simply “being married” does not guarantee monogamy.

In n Out: Dude. This is some serious Betty Draper shit. What up with Betty Draper in season 4? You see what being in such a relationship could do to you?

Female: Yeah, but…

In n Out: I mean, why are you still with him? Im sure all of this must hurt you, and it is far from ideal.

Female: Well, most everything else about our partnership is ideal. He’s a total hey, he’s super intelligent, the neighbors complain about our sex life, we look great together in facebook albums, he’s really good at creating new acronyms…

In n Out: New acronyms? Like, “lol” and “brb”?

Female: Yeah. For example, if youre ever feeling down and youre on the verge of suicide but you want to update your facebook about it first, you just type in “blahblah depressed, nbrb.” You know, as in, never be right back, since um, youll be dead.

In n Out: ummm…

Female: Not your cup of tea? Okay, well, there’s also dtm, which stands for Dont Tempt Me. It’s actually applicable to a lot of situations…

In n Out: Im sure. Dude should take the advice of his own acronym and tell these chicks he’s about to sleep with: “DTM, nbrb.”

Female: ha. I like that. Thanks for listening to all this. Im not sure if we accomplished anything. I mean, considering this is a fictional conversation with an In n Out employee for the sake of humor via the internet, I shouldnt expect much. Maybe an “lol”. But I could seriously go for some In n Out right now. So yeah, a #1 please. Animal style. Hold the Double Standards though.

"Look babe. I know we look adorable together but Im currently kind of more into that black swan over there..."

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