The Prudence Diaries: The Guy I Bonded With Over Face/Off

DAY ONE

7:10 pm: Face/Off Boy works at the indie movie theater. As he’s giving me my tickets, he mentions how his last name is my first name, just spelled differently. We laugh about it and I mentally blush because I think we just Shared A Moment. I walk to the auditorium with my friend and tell her “Id hit that.” We giggle omg.

DAY TWO

6:30pm: Day off. Been inside all day minus short trip to get mexican food for lunch. Done working out/evaluating my body in the mirror. Text my friend, dontjudgeme about doing something because Im so antsy to get out of house. She’s busy getting sushi with a friend who is not me. Bored.

7:55pm: After trying on different outfits for the week, I start thinking about Face/Off Boy. Surprised he comes to mind. I decide to break away from typical mindset of creating a barrier between myself and Guys Who I Think Are Babes. Out of boredom/decision to not create such a barrier, I tell myself I will call Face/Off Boy at work the next day to ask him out. Must wait a day before phone call to avoid seeming creepy/desperate.

DAY THREE

11am: At work. Plan to call Face/Off Boy once Im off at 5:30. Meanwhile, spend afternoon texting girlfriends about my newly grown balls. Theyre all omg grrrl power. Im feeling confident.

5:15pm: Extremely anxious about phone call. Decide to call before end of shift in order to just get it over with.

5:18pm: Make phone call. Of course he’s not working today. Dude who answers is nosey about why Im calling specifically for Face/Off Boy. Maybe he will be the Best Man at our wedding. Potential Best Man suggests I leave my name and number with him to give to Face/Off Boy when he’s in the next day. I am reluctant to leave a message. What if he doesnt get the message and therefore doesnt call because he doesnt know I called but then I assume that because he didnt call he just wasnt interested at all and then my self-esteem Plummets. Yet. Again. To avoid being awkward and to help hope for the best, I leave my info.

8:00pm: Window shopping at Forever 25 in order to keep busy/admire myself in cute clothes that I cant purchase until I get my financial aid check.

8:47pm: Leaving mall. Phone rings and a number I do not recognize is calling me. I assume it’s Face/Off Boy and quickly gather My Cool before I answer.

Next 15 Minutes: Face/Off Boy and I talk on phone. Of course he is affable and easy to talk to. His conversation style showcases just enough quirkiness that tells me “hey Im a real person and Im interesting but I dont jack off to Miranda July.” He kudos me by saying it was “pretty bold” of me to call him at work. We mainly talk about music because he tells me he’s going to some music festival called Coachella that’s in a few days aka during the time I imagined hanging out with him. He suggests we hang out the next night and “get a drink” before his trip. I tell him Ill take him to my favorite bar where I never ever black out or make a fool of myself. It’s like, totally a date.

9:05pm: I dial up dontjudgeme. “Am I dreaming?” I ask her. We totally omg and giggle over the recent development with Face/Off Boy. She proceeds to stalk him on spacebook as Im talking to her on my walk home. She confirms that he is hot and that there’s some chick he was seeing late last year who posted pics of them together. She’s Mexican. I assume he has a thing for hispanic girls. I am not hispanic. But whatever.

DAY FOUR

7:10pm: Date Night. Just got home from work. Undress out of work clothes, shedding business mode and entering party mode. Play whatever music is on hypemachine. Splash face with water. Roll out yoga mat and get my American Psycho on by doing 400 standing side crunches with 8lb weights, followed by hacking up some hookers as I snort some lines of coke off a copy of Details magazine with Keanu Reeves on the cover. I feel skinny and ready to try on different outfits.

8pm: I have about an hour until Im supposed to meet Face/Off Boy. Sippin on Maker’s Marky Mark mixed with ice. Ive selected the top half of my outfit: a lightweight Kimchi Blue blazer over a grayish cotton tank top. I recall Alicia Silverstone’s advice to Brittany Murphy in Clueless: reveal you shoulders because itll make the guy think about sex. Do I plan on having sex with my date tonight? No. Do I want him to see me as someone hed like to have sex with? Yes. Is Clueless a cornerstone of wisdom for females everywhere? Clearly. I put on a pair of wide legged cotton blended trousers. The oxford shoes then bottom it off.

8:50pm: Not quite sold on outfit. Worried it’s too businessy/not enough party, especially with the blazer on. In between worrying about my outfit and sippin on Marky Mark, I do really important things on the internet, waiting for Face/Off Boy to call.

9:07pm: Face/Off Boy calls. He says he’ll be at my place in ten. I tell him where exactly he should park. He says he’ll call when he parks and then he’ll come up to my place. Im caught off guard because I wasnt expecting him to come up to my place. He senses my trepidation and says “ooooor we can meet at the bar?” I tell him I imagined just meeting at his car and walking to the bar together. So that ends up being the plan. I start to overanalyze the awkwardness on the phone.

9:15pm: Last minute debate between denim leggings and cotton trousers. I choose the trousers and head out the door.

Next three-four hours: Enjoy some drinks at my two favorite bars downtown. He buys some rounds and I buy some rounds. For all the whiskey I drank beforehand, Im surprisingly still fully clothed/not crying/not being mean and not sloppy drunk. Instead, Im charming drunk. We exchange our autobiographies minus my chapter on daddy issues. I learn that he’s a serious soccer player aka has a phenomenal body, has been a substitute teacher and wants to teach English in Mexico, wants to ultimately settle down in his hometown because he “wants to be near” his family (awww) and is a HUGE FAN OF FACE/OFF aka the movie that got me into movies/Nic Cage’s finest cinematic moment/the movie that launched a thousand ships/my favoritest movie everrrr (from my 12 year old perspective)…

…towards the end of the night, we get cozy in a booth. He tells me he wants to hang out again and we make loose plans to see a movie when he gets back from Coachella. blahblahblah…more talking…and then he goes in for the kiss. My immediate reaction is a turn of the head, rejecting the kiss. He then grabs his jack n coke and throws it in my face and calls me a “stupid fucking prudish twat.” nah jk. He lets me explain that I am definitely attracted to him but that “it’s only the first date” and that I do like just cozying up with him at the moment. He seems to take it cool and we continue joking around/glimpsing into each other’s Souls. We walk to his car and he tells me he’ll call me when he gets back into town.

DAYS 5, 6, 7, 8, ad infinitum

I guess Face/Off Boy speaks another language that I dont understand cuz when he said “Ill call you when I get back” what he really meant was “Im going to Coachella, gonna have the time of my life, have some fauxhemian chick s my d and not call you when I get back.”

Bummer. Our babies probly wouldve looked like Face/Off.

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