San Francisco Bans Childhood

SAN FRANCISCO, CA – Just days after the San Francisco Board Of Supervisors outlawed the McDonald’s Happy Meal , San Francisco has now decided to ban childhood from its city. The decision was met with a 10 – 1 vote and was proposed by council member, Dumb Fuck. Dumb Fuck released the following statement concerning the landmark decision to ban childhood from San Francisco:


“Everyone knows that San Francisco is the most progressive city in the world. We are so freakin’ green. Think about the hours you spend in traffic every day. There is so much traffic because there are so many Priuses. To help further sculpt San Francisco’s image as a forward thinking mecca for intellectuals who are not selfish or hypocritical and who want to take part in the greenest activity ever – having kids – the Board Of Supervisors has decided to ban childhood. Let’s face it: childhood is mainly filled with trivial “concerns” over stuffed animals, cooties and vegetables. Let’s just bypass all that frivolous bullshit and home school our kids on Baby Einstein dvds. Theyll be prepared for green politics at a much younger age, where, they wont be regarded as “children”, but as “proto-adults” (points for referencing the Greek term protos, how cool is that? I know). Anyway, we are absolutely ecstatic about this monumental development and are confident that banning childhood from San Francisco solidifies this city’s status as being better than your city.”


Council member Dumb Fuck went on to explain that details of what the childhood ban exactly entails will be released in the upcoming weeks. First, the city must get “back to normal” aka all cleaned up after a week of the city getting shitfaced over some baseball game. Volunteers for trash pick up can call: 415 424 8878. The city got so thrashed over the baseball celebration, pigeons are getting stuck in beer cans. But one, whofuckingcares about pigeons? and two, Go Giants!


Right now, we can only speculate what the ban on childhood means for San Francisco youth: obviously cartoons can still air since San Franciscans dont own TVs. But the city will probably get rid of: ice cream trucks, Cap’n Crunch, Cocoa Puffs, Lucky Charms and the like, toys and stuffed animals, elementary schools will no longer exist as we know it ie, no recess since that’s when kids chase each other and get pregnant, no more Chuck E. Cheese, fruit roll ups or juice boxes, no more three wheelers or picture books…and of course, no goddamn Happy Meals. See yall in yoga class. Bring me the Pink Poetry Odwalla, please.



just wanna be a kid, yo.

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