16 Ways To Redeem Yourself For Liking Miranda July

For those of you I actually talk to, you know Ive been dating a guy ever since I drunkenly slept with him last month and had to ask him the next morning if we actually had sex. For those of you I don’t talk to, Ive been dating a guy since I drunkenly slept with him last month and had to ask him the next morning if we actually had sex. First off, homygod. Secondly, you know how it goes – it’s totally passionate, work is spent daydreaming about the night before, suddenly the glass is half full again (gay), [insert some other emo shit here], Bright Eyes writes a song about it, blahblahblah.

So we’re “getting to know each other”: “ohmygod you love Larry David too?” “dude, Depeche Mode is fucking sexy, I know right?” “You like flipping through the philosophy encylopedia too? Let’s fuck.” blahblahblah. So far so good, right?

I mean, the guy knows more about films than I do, but don’t tell anybody ok?

And the other night, as Im gazing into his eyes, one hand gently massaging his neck, the other hand unbuttoning his shirt, he’s talking about movies as Im thinking about, well, not movies, and he says something to me that not only kills the mood, but kind of buzzkills any “possible future together”:

“You know, I watched that Miranda July movie, Me And You And Everyone We Know, and I really liked it.”

Which, when translated to realtalk, means:

“You know that super offbeat, quirky Miranda July and her movie about how all the seemingly insignificant “little things in life” are actually super special and “connect” everyone together, including you and me and Dupree and everyone we know? Yeah, I actually like that dull, predictable shit.”

I told him the only reason he falls for that shit is because Miranda July is “attractive” (to lame asses). If it were Lisa from Six Feet Under or Steve Buscemi’s sister, he’d wanna barf and he’d roll his eyes at the trite “look how awkward/different/special I am/I made my funky clothes out of recycled Trader Joe’s bags/let’s just run naked in the rain together and scream and have our own Garden State moment and be sofuckingdifferent Im so fucking different I swear to God even though I don’t really believe in God but I believe in Some Sort Of Higher Power and I channel this Higher Power during my yoga session next to the Trader Joe’s where I make my clothes” bullshit. fucking bullshit shoot me now. Id rather watch Where The Wild Things Are aka The Most Boring Movie Ever.

Even though this revelation changes everything about our whateveritiswearedoing, the fact that he likes Miranda July and her horrible movie is not a total deal breaker…I guess. He redeems himself in a handful of delightful ways. Thus, 16 Ways To Redeem Yourself For Liking Miranda July:

-you cum all over my face and call me a “dirty whore”*

-you wear seriously sexy suede boots from J. Crew**

-you never take off the seriously sexy suede boots from J. Crew

-when I order my cocktail at the bar and the bartender turns to you for your order, you simply tell him, “Two, please.”

-youre totally down for a Mad Men marathon

-youre not a Profundity Junkie

-you use words like “mercurial” even if it is used to describe me

-you liked Lust, Caution but you don’t have a thing for Asian chicks

-you like getting dressed up and going to fancy places and youll get a taxi so I don’t have to walk a lot in heels

-you like to dance

-talking “dirty” consists of referencing Anscombe’s direct objects

-you did karaoke to Radiohead’s No Surprises

-you are fit

-you say “dude” more than I do

-youre argumentative

-you know what Zoroastrianism is

*jk about the cum on face…anywhere but the face. As Patrick Bateman says, “Not the face! You bitch! Not the fucking face!” 

**he doesnt really have J. Crew boots. I saw them on a customer yesterday and was so attracted to the boots I asked him where he got them and he said J. Crew and the guy added, “I never take them off” and all Im saying is that if a guy wears these kind of boots, everything is absolutely fine – he can fuck Miranda July for all I care, then fuck me and cum on my face.

sex on a shoe


The twill are sexy too..total hey..

"can I get these in a size hey?"


You And Me And Bored

2 Responses to “16 Ways To Redeem Yourself For Liking Miranda July”

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