3 Philosophy Grad Students Walk Into A Bar…

3 philosophy grad students walk into a bar…


Bernard: Hey, have you guys seen that one cocktail waitress around here lately? The boorish one.

Phillip: The ol’ curmudgeon who always messes up my order and brings me a Jack mixed with petulance…

Gail: The ol’ curmudgeon who Bernard wants to sleep with, Phillip – is right over there.

Bernard and Phillip turn around.

Bernard: Yeah, that’s her. Who HIred that woman? She’s built like a longshoreman and has the warmth and charisma of a school bus driver. So Gail, your hasty speculation about me wanting to sleep with Curmudgeon Cocktail Girl – although almost amusing enough to make me chuckle – is actually only another one of your deluded remarks that fails at ridicule.

Philip: Yeah Gail, no need for such insolence.

Gail: I figured the whole bus driver charisma was refreshing compared to the insipid undergraduates Bernard normally brings home.

Bernard: Those insipid undergrads look FANtastic naked, mind you. And Cocktail Curmudgeon Girl probably hates her life AND her body. So once again Gail, your derisive remark, while still an earnest attempt at condescension – fails.

Gail: Next time Ill be sure to aim lower with my derision toward you, Bernard.

Phillip: Didnt you just go on a date, Gail? With that Toby guy?

Gail: ugh, yes.

Phillip: Is he “just not that into you”? It’s okay. You can talk to us about it.

Gail: Phillip, thanks. Im glad to have male friends who mock Sex And The City because such guys are a rarity, ya know? But about Toby. So, the fact that he was a cultural anthropology lecturer who practically wears his moral relativism on his sleeve was already inauspicious. However, I was willing to overlook that blemish because at least Id get to exercise my argumentative skills, ya know? But THEN he shows up to my place in a Ralph Lauren polo. So I was sure to skip the movie with him and call it a night right after dinner.

Phillip: So the fact that he was wearing a Ralph Lauren polo was a deal breaker for you? I mean, I get the whole moral relativism woowoo being a turn off. But Ralph Lauren?

Bernard: Yeah, Ralph Lauren? Doesnt his brand resonate with Class and Sophistication?

Gail: No. Ralph Lauren’s brand says Jackass. And you can buy his “classy” polos at TJ Maxx for $15.

Phillip: But the little guy on the horse is just so cute!

Gail: That little guy on the horse is trying too hard to express his “sophistication”. Ralph Lauren polos are too conspicuous. Theyre billboards for Douchebaggery.

Bernard: Okay, Naomi Klein. We get it – corporate logos are just so…corporate. Anyway. So you never got to see Loud Pastiche Of Jung/Hinduism/Dream Argument That Doesnt Really Make Sense movie?

Gail: Yes I did eventually see Inception. And what exactly didnt make sense in this fantasy sci-fi movie, Bernard?

Bernard: I liked it, okay? It’s an audacious project. It’s just not a good jumping-off point for legitimate philosophical discussion. I give it four stars, or two thumbs, or eight bananas or whatever.

Phillip: I havent seen it but come on. Stealing “ideas” from people’s minds because the ideas are inside the minds and the minds are like safes with combination locks on them but the combinations are our dreams? I cant wait to see it but Im disappointed Nolan is getting so Cartesian on us.

Bernard: No, no, no. Youve got it backwards, Phillip. It’s that the dreams are the ideas and the minds are in the dreams because our dreams are like ideas and ideas are made out of minds. Plus, there are like 4 or 5 minds per person and some of them are like Mount Everest even. It all makes perfect sense if you talk to Gail about it.

Phillip: My mind. Is. Officially blown. Or, SOMEthing is officially blown because Im not even sure this is my own “mind” or whether Im actually dreaming or not…where’s Morpheus when you need him?

Gail: Wow guys. Can we get over the whole “But, but, Mr. Nolan! Ideas arent really mental substance” talk for a mere two and a half hours so that I can sit in the dark by myself in a movie theater and forget the emptiness I feel on a daily basis?

Bernard: It really all just comes back to Sartre’s Being And Nothingness, doesnt it?

Phillip: Yeah, I dont know when the Void is most prominent: when Im staring at a tree or when Im brushing my teeth.

Bernard (raises glass): Here’s to Jean-Paul Sartre: my favorite Teenage Angst For Dummies contributor.

Bernard and Phillip clank their glasses.

Gail: Bernard, your tiresome acerbic wit speaks volumes on the dread and angst you feel on a daily basis. And my dissertation is better than your dissertation. So, you can quit the mockery.

Phillip: Bernard, I think you just angered Dr. Existentialism over there.

Bernard: Gail, thanks for the pseudo-diagnosis. Do you take American Express? And as far as your supposed superior dissertation goes, I HIGHly doubt that.

Gail: Well, your TOpic of comparing Hegel’s Phenomenology Of Spirit with Hannah Arendt’s Origins Of Totalitarianism is academically noteworthy, even if your use of a female political theorist is an impetuous attempt to impress the women you want to screw in our department. However. An analysis of Hegel is not exactly a THRIVing topic in legitimate academic circles. So, let’s finish our drinks and head out.

Bernard: Youre a cunt.

Gail: A cunt who just paid for your drink. Let’s go.

Bernard: A cunt who just paid for my drink with her academic grant money.

Gail: A cunt who just paid for your drink with her well-deserved academic grant money because your grant money has been wasted on screenwriting classes whose professors were bored with your caustic remarks.

Bernard: Nevertheless. Youre a cunt.

Phillip: Hey, Noah Baumbach’s new film just came out. You guys wanna go watch it at The Minor? We can make fun of the conceited, pretentious characters who whine about everything even though they live in a privileged academic bubble.

Bernard: God I cant STAND Baumbach’s histrionic characters OR his self-satisfied approach to erudition. But yes, let’s go watch it and complain about it before I go home to write my paper on Foucault’s analysis of Velasquez’s Las Meninas.

Gail: Should we invite Curmudgeon Cocktail Girl? She’s headed our way…

Bernard: Considering that her mere presence doubles as a reminder of everything that’s wrong with the world AND as a reason I should kill myself…no.

Bernard, Gail and Phillip: hahahahahahahahahaha.

2 Responses to “3 Philosophy Grad Students Walk Into A Bar…”
  1. Craig says:

    So this is how people who think that they’re smart really talk behind closed doors, interesting.

  2. soren says:

    On a good day, yes. haha. mainly jk. This is mainly a caricature. It started off as 3 Noah Baumbach Characters Walk Into A Bar…but as I kept writing, it reminded me of my peers more than anything…and of myself a bit too..ha.

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