Reading People’s Facebook Status Updates And Judging Them

I joined facebook kinda late. I created my account in November 2008 during my senior year of college. It was during Thanksgiving break and I stayed in town while all four of my friends went back home to eat turkey. I had one semester left of college and then Id be moving back home, 14 hours south. I remember being on my laptop thinking, “well this is how it’s gonna be next year…my four friends wont be around and Im gonna miss them. I want to KIT with them but talking on the phone is kinda gay.”

Well, I had heard that facebook helped people “stay connected” and I knew my four friends each had an account. So I created one. I uploaded a picture of Mark Renton as my profile pic and “requested” my friends’ friendships online. Three out of four of them accepted. I was stoked! Friends Forever xxxo.

It was cool to finally have a facebook. I remember one of my good friends visiting me in our hometown in 2006. He was a student at UCLA. We were hanging out at my apartment and he went on my computer. He showed me his facebook. We looked at pictures of him drunk, pictures of him shitfaced, pictures of girls he hooked up with, pictures of girls he wanted to hook up with, and pictures of him totally naked and shitfaced, sitting in a bathtub with girls he hooked up with that night. Facebook seemed pretty rad.

However, facebook was still pretty new and exclusive. Only students of certain cool colleges could join. Unfortunately, I wasnt smart enough for a UC school, or rich enough for an Ivy League school, or gay enough for Sarah Lawrence. I was still taking courses at a community college. At least I could join myspace I guess.

So anyway, fast-forward to 2010 and I now have 208 friends on facebook. I only actually know/talk to about 9 of those friends. I dont even know how to pronounce most of the others’ names. Whatevs though. I get to see who gets fat/pregnant.

Facebook has helped me stay connected with people. One of the most fundamental ways facebook helps us all stay connected is by sharing our “status updates” with one another. “What’s on your mind?” facebook asks. Id now like to share with you all some of my favorite status updates from my facebook friends. fbook me yall.

What’s on your mind?

’bout to get existential. hit me up. let’s get nauseous.

just woke up from a nap.

just watched Me And You And Everyone We Know. whatafucking piece of shit movie. shut up.

I was up above it. now Im down in it.

birthday party at Taco Bell! be there or suck it.

wish e.e. cummings had a twitter.

just told a chord to “fuck off” cuz it tried to trip me.

does anyone know who to contact about selling my coffee table book at Urbn Outfitters?

just had a miscarriage. FML.

I know about 911. But does anyone know the number for the karma police?

I cant believe Dottie dropped the ball at the end of A League Of Their Own! stupid bitch.

[insert something boring here] will you guys please comment on my status so i feel like you all care? or at least “like” my status? please.

finally started my period! ftw.

when I grow up, I wanna be a unique snowflake. hope it comes with benefits.

I thought 2+2=4 but Thom Yorke says 2+2=5. Kinda Scatterbrained now. :/ No longer feel like Everything Is In Its Right Place, but I Might Be Wrong. Am I Citizen Insane? Wish my Jigsaw was Falling Into Place. Now I feel like an Idioteque, no longer Optimistic. Just wanna be Fitter, Happier. Back to feeling like a Subterranean Homesick Alien. I miss Pablo Honey, he makes me feel Just so Lucky, never leaving me High And Dry. I miss our Amazing Sounds Of Orgy. At least it’s all on Videotape. Must get back to my 15 Step program so that Ill no longer be In Limbo, feeling Packt Like Sardines In A Crushed Tin Box. Eff my job in Electioneering. Gonna pursue being a Paperbag Writer. That’s All I Need. Must embrace my Street Spirit and wait for the Fog to clear (Fade Out)…

Didnt understand the ending to Toy Story 3. Are the toys ok?

is it just me or are babies fucking stupid?

falling in love with the dj. brb.

people always ask me, “why so serious?” and um, maybe cuz WE’RE ALL DYING.

ya know, when I look back on The Six Guys Ive Screwed, I gotta give myself a pat on the back. One of them was kinda eh and was probably a pathological liar, but it was right after a Serious Break Up so whatevs…still gonna pat myself on the back.

gonna get innocuous tonight!

wish the voices in my head sounded like Doooon Draper

just lost my virginity. ftw.

my favorite Tool song, Hooker With A Penis, totally came true tonight.

“if I knew myself, Id run away.” – Goethe

feeling suicidal. brb.

there’s a car accident on the side of the road. Im staring at it right now.

just doing some laundry.

a boy just asked me if he could borrow a pen. homygod. cumface.

Ive been a bad, bad girl.

Ive been careless with a delicate man.

just got an abortion. FML.

just got an abortion. FTW.

luv Sleater Kinney’s cover of Britney Spears: Im Not A Girl, Not Yet A Grrrl. Really touches my core.

can someone sell me an eighth?

plane’s about to crash. ttyl.

anyone know where I can find my dad?

i want a perfect body.

myspace me.

i want a perfect soul.

just got poked, yall. how you like ‘dem apples?

dont know who to choose: Dylan or Brandon?

plagiarizing works!

fuck school. gonna pursue my dream of being an Urbn Outfitters model.

just singin to Bjork’s Medulla. hit me up.

Foucault is the shit. He schools Nietzsche so hard.

about to go to work.

just got shot. note to self: RIP.

Id rather be a fake somebody than a real nobody.

the new Smurfs movie looks inspiring. cant wait for that shit.


just uploaded a video on youtube of me eating some fiery cheetos and stripping to Paranoid Android. might be my Big Break yall.

corporate america, cultural imperialism and government oppression is so last year.

saw Inception three times during its opening weekend AND I still had time to help an old lady cross the street. count it!

[insert cryptic remark that hints at my Angst here] hey yall Im going through some DEEP shit here but I dont really want to address the issue but I hope youre all concerned about me and will comment and guess at what’s wrong/show your support/tell me youre here for me, thx

wish I could be Girl Talk’s Girl Friend.

clap your hands say no.

if Portishead’s Beth Gibbons married Emo Elliot Smith, then she would be happy and he’d still be alive. But then I bet their music would probably suck…so nevermind.

anybody wanna buy my kids from me? 2 for 1 promo!

wish people “got” me. gonna watch Bravo tv until they do.

First day of classes. Better be some fine ass in here. just sayin.

dont know if I wanna be calm, fitter, healthier and more productive or harder, better, faster, stronger.

seriously, who wants my kids?? dont even worry about money, just effing take them!

Just bought Fiona Apple’s second album, When The Pawn Hits The Conflicts He Thinks Like A King What He knows Throws The Blows When He Goes To The Fight and He’ll Win The Whole Thing Fore He Enters The Ring There’s No Body To Batter When Your Mind Is Your Might So When You Go Solo, You Hold Your Own Hand And Remember That Depth Is The Greatest Of Heights And If You Know Where You Stand, Then Youll Know Where To Land And If You Fall It wont Matter, Cuz You Know That Youre Right. It was on sale at Best Buy!


wish Kierkegaard had a facebook. I would totally poke him.

my psychic just told me Im “gonna be going places!” I cant wait!

just created an fbook fan page of myself! be sure to “like” me, everyone!

just fbookin at walmart. dont be jelly.

Do you have something dumb to say? comment below or holla at ur grrrl:

OR just update your facebook!

4 Responses to “Reading People’s Facebook Status Updates And Judging Them”
  1. Michelle Gibson says:

    If I had to choose a quote to put in my senior yearbook all over again I might pick one of these.
    Also just had a revelation and want to share: I was worried for a sec that grad school would make me too smart- like no-one-wants-to-hang-out-with-me-because-im-a-fucking-pretentious-known-it-all kind of smart, but luckily Facebook balances that out with some really fucking stupid shit so I don’t worry about that anymore- thanks FACEBOOK

    • ice mixed with narcissism says:

      “Michelle Gibson” – I know what you mean. Lord knows, every day Im faced with the challenge of masking my superior intelligence with dumbness so that I am better received by my peon peers. realtalk. KIT.

  2. Craig says:

    are all these posts yours?

    • ice mixed with narcissism says:

      “Craig” – all of them except for the “plane’s about to crash. ttyl” and “feeling suicidal. brb.” Im generally a happy person.

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