CHRIS NOLAN OR DIE: A Look At The Filmmaker’s Resume, Including Reasons Why This Brit Is Better Than You

objective: in honor of the theatrical release of Christopher Nolan’s Inception, we take a look at the writer/director’s resume in order to remind you why this Brit is better than you. Like, waaay better. #britidliketofuck #wishiwerebritish


FOLLOWING (1999) Nolan writes the script and directs

Life. So boring, right? Sometimes, the only way to spice things up is by following random people walking in the city. You never know what’s gonna happen. You might meet someone special enough to fuck. Or you might meet someone who wants you dead. This movie totally gives you the opportunity to use the term “film noir” without feeling like a jackass.

This movie demonstrates that Chris Nolan is better than you because: 

it puts your online stalking “skills” to shame. The lead character in this film talks the talk and stalks the stalk.


MEMENTO (2000) Nolan writes the script and directs

Guy Pearce walks around with his shirt off/covered in freaky yet endearing tattoos. The tattoos serve as mementos (ohmygod, get it??) to help him avenge his wife’s murderer since the poor Guy (heh) has short term memory loss. He gets sexy with Trinity and grows suspicious of the guy who plays Cypher from The Matrix. (As he should, considering that Cypher is the saboteur who deceives Neo and Trinity and plugs back into the Matrix, ya know?)

This movie demonstrates that Chris Nolan is better than you because:

Guy Pearce’s tattoos show you what kind of tattoos you really should have gotten when you were a free-spirited 18 year old.

 

INSOMNIA (2002) Nolan directs the movie

whothefuck goes to Alaska? Well, if youre two out of state homicide detectives called upon to help the local police of an Alaskan small town and youre part of the script for Insomnia, THEN you go to Alaska. That iconic white suited gun totin mafia dude hanging on your ex-boyfriend’s wall is one of the detectives sent to catch a killer played by Robin Williams. Pacino has a really hard time solving the crime because of the town’s persistent daylight (hence, Insomnia, get it??) and frankly, the guy is out of his element (this aint Miami). He also struggles with catching the killer because of the fact that Robin Williams disguises himself as a fat female Scottish nanny. Hilary Swank plays the second detective who isnt much help because she’s too busy trying to get a sex change/practicing her eighth Oscar acceptance speech in the mirror.

This movie demonstrates that Chris Nolan is better than you because:

did you not read the synopsis up above? That is some Lifetime drama up there! SO much more interesting than your life.

  



BATMAN BEGINS (2005) Nolan directs and co-writes the script

The movie that revitalized the Batman franchise and lays out the emo background explaining why Bruce Wayne is really just a reluctant playboy with mommy/daddy issues. Christian Bale excels (as always) as the Bat Man who copes with his alienation by kicking ass with high tech gear and using his martial arts skills he gained from the dude who trained Obi-Wan. But are Bat Man’s skills good enough to defeat the bad shrooms of the evil Scarecrow played by Cillian hey Murphy? More importantly, whatthefuck is Joey Dawson doing in this movie? Where is the recording of Christian Bale telling her to getthefuck off the set? 

This movie demonstrates that Chris Nolan is better than you because:

Nolan was able to create a movie that gave both critics and audiences something to jack off to…which hasnt been done since 1997 when John Woo’s Face/Off was released in theaters. #icouldeatapeachforhours



THE PRESTIGE  (2006) directed and co-scripted by Nolan

Christian Bale stars again, opposite Hugh Jackman. They play rival magicians vying for ScarJo’s Ass fame and fortune during the rockin 19th century. David Bowie co-stars.

This movie demonstrates that Chris Nolan is better than you because:

have YOU gotten David Bowie to be in one of your movies? Yeah, sit down.



THE DARK KNIGHT (2008) Nolan directs and co-writes the script

Once again, critics and audiences are totally enamoured by Nolan’s take on Batman; however, controversy arises over the movie’s PG-13 rating. People thought the movie’s scene depicting Bruce Wayne butt naked with only a pair of white sneakers on, revving up a chainsaw as he chases the Joker down a hallway, warranted an R rating. Chris Nolan merely told the big babies, “shut the eff up, fairies! Im British aka I’m of Radiohead nationality! I do what I want!”

This movie demonstrates that Chris Nolan is better than you because: 

ummmm, do YOU have a naked Christian Bale running down a hallway with a chainsaw in YOUR movie? Yeah, stfu, go back to Redbox. 

 



INCEPTION (2010, fucking duh) written and directed by Richard Kelly hahaha he wishes!

Dont know a whole lot about the movie but Rolling Stone critic Peter Travers is calling the film a cross between James Bond and The Matrix…which is rad because James Bond is hey and I always wanted to see Agent Smith in another movie!

This movie demonstrates that Chris Nolan is better than you because:

Chris Nolan is the mastermind behind Inception and is therefore better than you, duh and duh.


Go see Inception in theaters, guys! Say hi to Joseph Gordon-Epic for me! 




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