Twilight Haters Target New Toy Story Movie

LOS ANGELES, CA–Twilight:Eclipse premiered last week in Hollywood. Amongst the Twi-hards, Kristen Stewart’s mumble and Robert Pattinson’s hair, something peculiar caught everyone’s attention: a group of about a dozen pissed off individuals. They were mainly twentysomethings with oversized eyeglasses and misunderstood hair. They wore Twilight tshirts featuring Edward with a huge red X over his face. They held signs that read “Vampires Dont Effing Sparkle!” and “Stephanie Meyer Is An Idiot!” There was even a sign that read “You Say Sparkle, I Say Gay.”

The individuals identified themselves as the People For The True Representation Of Vampires. I was able to speak with one of the members, who told me his name was Warren Beaty.

iamnotadj: Warren, tell me, what’s up with this group and why are you guys here?

Warren: We are the People For The True Representation Of Vampires. This group was founded two years ago and we are 16 members strong. We are simply disgusted by Stephanie Meyer’s inaccurate representation of vampires. Vampires DO NOT SPARKLE. Did Dracula go around biting hot chicks and then have a picnic outside and effing SPARKLE?! No. Do Lestat and Louise bite Kirsten Dunst and then swiftly climb up some trees? Um, no. It’s called Interview With The VAMPIRE, not Interview With The Sparkling Spider Monkey! Stephanie Meyer is making tons of money off a false representation of vampires. People For The True Representation Of Vampires aims to preserve the true identities of vampires despite the Twilight popularity.

iamnotadj: Interesting. So, are you Team Jacob or Team Edward?

Warren: Team Jacob all the way. At least stupid Stephanie is more honest with her portrayal of wolves. Plus, Jacob is just cuter.

iamnotadj: Really? I think Edward is so sexy. And Jacob is like 12, and my cutoff is 18.

Warren: My cutoff used to be 18 but then I got chubby and now I cant be so choosy. My facebook info will tell you Im looking for “whatever I can get.”

iamnotadj: Totes sucks, man. Maybe you should stop eating fatty foods all the time and get off your ass.

Warren: I know, I know.

iamnotadj: I can send you the link to the video for Kanye’s New Workout Plan. It really gets you in shape and offers you invaluable advice.

Warren: Right on. Yeah, send it to my twitter. Follow me @realvampiresdontsparkle.

iamnotadj: I will. Okay, so do the People For The True Representation Of Vampires have any other upcoming projects?

Warren: We sure do. We’ve been so busy with the Twilight stuff, with the world premiere of Eclipse and all. But next week, we plan to protest the UK premieres of Toy Story 3 and then—

iamnotadj: Wait, you guys are protesting the new Toy Story movie?

Warren: Um, yeah. Toys dont talk ya know. Pixar should be ashamed of themselves. And the People For The True Representation Of Vampires will fight for the true representation of toys as well.

iamnotadj: Thanks, Warren. Im really grateful for talking with such a critical mind. Im glad there are people out there to point out the flaws of fictitious stories like Twilight and who remind us that vampires are vampires if and only if they are pale, blood sucking, practically immortal babes with impeccable style who do not sparkle.

Warren: Thanks. The People For The True Representation Of Vampires will continue to put the spotlight on Stephanie Meyer for her dishonest work. Now we just need to target that damn talking cowboy toy and his stupid talking toy friends.

iamnotadj: What if you keep the spotlight on Stephanie Meyer for too long and she starts to sparkle?

Warren: It’s a metaphor, dude. There’s no actual spotlight we are shining on her.

iamnotadj: Oh.

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