I Just Turned 25: My Eight Greatest Achievements So Far

some people are halfway through medical school by age 25. some people are teaching students valuable lessons by age 25. some people are hardworking parents by age 25. some people have impressive stuffed animal collections and buy drugs in london by age 25.

By age one, I had already achieved Greatness. I won first place in the San Diego Champion Chubby Contest. In addition to winning this prestigious title, along with gaining a lifelong obsession with being skinny, I received a Champion Chubby trophy complete with fake gold chubby baby on top.

nothing tastes as good as thin feels...unless ur a chubby baby dominating chubby baby pageants


Although really proud of my Pog collection as a kid, I was most proud of my stuffed animal collection. I named each and every one of them. They all burned in a fire. :/

RIP yall


At age 12, I was selected to be the narrator of my elementary school’s production of Hansel and Gretel. Not versatile enough for the lead acting roles and not pretty enough to be an extra, but speaking clearly on witches and candy to a large audience was right down my alley apparently.

before I was insecure about speaking in front of people


Not yet exposed to drugs and sex, my middle school and high school experiences were enhanced by my ever-growing Beastie Boys Wall. Fight For Ur Right To Party yall. It’s a fundamental right. Adrock4lyfe.

which beastie r u? the lame one? the one who was married to a lesbian? or the buddha one?


Eventually I decided to go to college. I had heard it was supposed to make you Smart. Im really proud of graduating with honors trying to drink the worm from the bottom of the tequila bottle.

One night, at The Lewbowski Bar in Dresden, I met Tequila Sunrise. That same night, some douchebag from Prague wouldnt leave me and my friends alone, so I threw my eighth or ninth Tequila Sunrise at him. Total Bar Brawl ensued. Prague Boy and his Beefcake Friend got kicked out. And I cried in the bathroom. But still, hands down, most exciting time involving putting my friends in Danger.

Eventually, Maryjane friend requested me and I accepted. We became such good friends, I wrote on her wall everyday. I was down to chill with Maryjane anywhere: concerts, forests, hotel bathrooms, cars, caves, Target, the beach, tiger bellies, etc. But my proudest venue for hanging out with Maryjane is definitely a random club in London. The group all got to hang out with her for a good puff puff before really tall men angrily kicked us out.

this guy had the best souvenirs in London


My eighth greatest achievement is probly the fact that I havent gotten pregnant. It helps that having sex is the cause for such a thing.

not my kids


happy 25th to me! Party.


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